After over a decade in a marriage that had grown cold and passionless, Loretta found herself facing a stark reality in her mid-40s: her sex drive hadn’t vanished, merely atrophied under the weight of motherhood and a stagnant relationship. Rather than settling for a numb existence, she chose to redefine her sexuality post-divorce. Now, as a co-parent, she’s navigating the messy, unfiltered world of modern dating, documenting her experiences anonymously on Substack under the moniker “Loretta”—a tribute to Cher’s raw, unapologetic character in Moonstruck.
Her blog, To the Bed, has already garnered over 3,700 subscribers eager for a candid look at reclaiming intimacy after years of emotional distance. Loretta isn’t just recounting encounters; she’s dismantling the cultural expectation that mothers must sacrifice their sensuality at the altar of parenthood. From strategically hiding condoms to using incognito mode on dating apps, she’s providing a brutally honest, refreshingly practical guide to post-divorce sexuality.
The Shift in Perspective
Loretta’s journey isn’t about revenge or proving a point. It’s about liberation. She no longer feels the pressure to evaluate potential partners based on financial stability or fatherly potential. Instead, she seeks “sexy, kind, emotionally literate men” – qualities divorced from societal expectations. This freedom extends beyond physical attraction; she’s unburdened by the ticking clock of biological urgency and the need to perform for approval. If a man can’t handle her authenticity, she doesn’t hesitate to move on.
“Now, I don’t care about any of that, and it’s so freeing. I want to date sexy, kind, emotionally literate men that I can learn things from — I don’t care if they’re short or tall, rich or poor, brilliant or of average intelligence.”
This shift is a direct rejection of the ingrained narrative that mothers must prioritize everyone else’s needs above their own. It’s a reclaiming of agency in a society that often pressures women to suppress their desires for the sake of respectability.
Navigating the Stigma
Despite the empowerment Loretta feels, she acknowledges the cultural stigma attached to “wild” or sexually adventurous motherhood. She confronts the judgmental voices that equate female desire with selfishness, recognizing that these expectations serve to control women rather than protect children.
Her response? Dismissing the criticism entirely. “Slut” isn’t an insult, she asserts, and men who use it as one are quickly dismissed. This blunt refusal to internalize shame is a powerful act of defiance against a system designed to police female sexuality.
Logistics of Privacy
Loretta doesn’t just talk about reclaiming her sex life; she actively protects it. Co-parenting adds layers of complexity, demanding careful boundary-setting with her ex-husband. Both agreed not to introduce the children to casual partners until a relationship reaches serious commitment, ensuring stability and avoiding confusion.
Maintaining privacy also requires practical measures: hidden photos, encrypted messaging apps, and strategic timing of dates. She admits to hiding condoms “on high shelves,” a small act of rebellion against the pressure to conform to a sanitized image of motherhood. Her therapist advised against oversharing with her kids, noting they may not want to know the details of her dating life—a surprisingly pragmatic approach.
Survival Guide for Late-Blooming Daters
For women over 40 hesitant to enter the digital dating world, Loretta offers a simple guide: start slow. Use incognito modes on apps to “peruse the merchandise” without immediate exposure. Be honest about boundaries in your profile – condoms are non-negotiable, and you are not obligated to respond to unwanted advances. Unmatch and block without hesitation.
She acknowledges the inevitable ghosting, objectification, and mansplaining, but emphasizes that apps can also reveal valuable insights into potential partners. The key is to prioritize self-respect and recognize that you owe no one anything.
Hope on the Other Side
Loretta’s story is a testament to the resilience of female desire. She encourages women who feel sexually numb in loveless marriages or believe their intimate lives are over to reconsider. Her own libido reawakened with divorce, proving that suppressed desire doesn’t vanish; it simply seeks a new outlet.
“You may not be interested in sex in this particular context, in this particular moment in your life, or with this particular person. But that doesn’t mean your body isn’t interested in it more broadly, or that there can’t be contexts, moments, and partners that will wake it back up.”
Loretta’s journey is a reminder that reclaiming your sexuality is not just about physical pleasure; it’s about rediscovering agency, challenging societal expectations, and embracing the wild, unapologetic freedom that comes with owning your own desire.
