We think we are being nice. We’re not.
At least not always. Sometimes, in an effort to be compassionate, we accidentally talk down to the people we are speaking with. It happens in real time. You say it. They hear the condescension. The air leaves the room.
Celeste Headlee writes about this. Her book, “We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matters,” argues that condescension is less about the words and more about the posture you take while saying them.
“It generally involves some kind of hauchy tone, but condescension also almost always involves a passive-aggressive behaviour,” Headlee explains to HuffPost.
It is a performance of superiority dressed up in kindness. Think of “bless your heart.” On the surface, it is gentle. Underneath? A clear message that the other person is inferior.
“When you are condescending to someone… you are putting on a false person of kindness but beneath that is that clear message of superiority.”
Why do we do this? Why ruin the moment?
Headlee points to biology. Our survival depended on rank. On status within the tribe. If we could establish that we were higher up the chain, we felt safer. Belonging matters. Rank matters. Even in 2024.
Elisabeth Crain, a psychotherapist in Southern California, calls it insecurity or an inflated ego. Or maybe you’re just tired. Having a bad day makes people blind to how they sound. But the result is the same.
Nobody likes it. No one enjoys being told they are of lower rank. And practically speaking, it stops the conversation from working. The recipient focuses on the insult, not the information.
“The person on the receiving end is left with a bunch of feelings about the way the information has been presented,” Crain says. You lose your message.
It shows in your tone too. The eye roll. The head pat. Here are six phrases to watch out for.
1. ‘Oh, how sweet’ (or cute, or blessed)
It varies by person, of course. But often these labels are belittling.
Calling an effort “cute” suggests you are looking down from above. Imagine your friend talking about her new boyfriend. You don’t like him. You don’t have to say that, but saying “Oh, that is sweet” in a sing-song way signals you think she is naive.
What do you want to hear? If you are vulnerable, you want validation. “I’m glad you found someone you like. That makes me happy.” Not judgment. Not even hidden judgment.
2. ‘Well actually…’
Yes, we see you.
Headlee calls it mansplaining. You explain something the person already knows. You use simple words. You imply they need your help to grasp the basics. It is a classic status move. A man chimes into a woman’s sentence. He lectures her on the obvious.
If she asked a question? That is fine. Answer it. But don’t offer unsolicited correction to show you are the expert. It is lazy conversation.
3. ‘You are trying your best’
Tone matters. Always.
Phoebe Mertens notes this phrase can sound patronizing. It feels like the speaker had low expectations. Surprise! You met the low bar!
Imagine telling a friend your job search is hard. The silence stretches. Then: “Well, you are trying your best.”
Ugh.
Instead, Headlee says, reflect their reality. “It is tough. I can see you are worried. Can I help?” Empathy beats consolation any day.
4. ‘You should…’
Directive. Definitive. Dangerous.
“You need to do this to have a better life.” This implies their current life is wrong. It puts you in charge. Crain says it is easy to tweak. Swap the command for a suggestion.
Try “perhaps.” Soften the edges.
“I think it could be helpful,” instead of “You must.” Less pressure. Less ego. More room for them to breathe.
5. ‘It is not a big deal’
Minimizing is invalidating. Scott Rower, an Oregon psychologist, says telling someone their feelings don’t matter does not make those feelings go away. Feelings are not logical choices. You can’t reason someone out of them.
“What we resist, persists,” as the saying goes. Shaming them for feeling sad about their situation just traps them deeper. Don’t be the gatekeeper of what deserves sadness.
6. ‘You don’t get it’
“You wouldn’t understand.”
This says: I am too complex for you. Or my pain is unique. Either way, the recipient is the dumb one here. Crain warns that this creates a wall. It shuts down empathy because it asserts superiority without evidence.
Condescension is not reserved for villains. Headlee reminds us that conversation is exhausting. It takes brainpower to really listen. To engage. When we are tired, or anxious, or feeling small, we slip up.
We say the wrong things.
We think we are safe.
